either way, for one solid hour during prom I could have died happy. when I was in the insanely long food line waiting with everybody I saw her walking down. she looked amazing in this beautiful white almost-diaphanous dress. I couldn’t help but stare. and she was looking directly into my eyes with a little smile playing about her lips, but all that white-hot intensity emanating from her eyes, enveloping me, except this time I didn’t feel like she was staring right through me and reading my mind- or at least not in an uncomfortable way (like I had felt the day after I wrote the bizarre Ayn Rand-esque tribute essay thing and I found out that Zara had sent it to her and that she had read it, and then I ended up sitting in her view at lunch and I caught her looking at me several times, studying me with a sort of intent frown, and I felt embarrassed and rotten and like she now thought I was a freak, which she probably does even now but that’s beside the point). maybe she WAS reading my mind and didn’t mind what was written there, which is both extremely odd and a huge relief. it lasted all of five seconds, but that’s a long time considering. it felt like a lot longer to me. it was like I was swimming for an eternity in the reflected glory of her eyes. as she walked past, as soon as I was out of her view I sort of melted physically as I had melted mentally. Zara was standing right behind me, and I guess I had sort of involuntarily clasped her arm as I watched her approach, to keep from falling- and I just murmured “Oh hold me tight” or something of the kind. Zara was all like “No” thinking I was mock-flirting with her like normal, but then I was just like “I could die- right now- and be happy” and had to turn away to cover up my huge silly grin and the fact that I was probably either pale or blushing. Zara and Tycho were both a bit confused at this, and I don’t think anybody else heard or anything, but I must have had a silly grin or something as I got my food. Afterward I told Zara what that was all about because she had been like “Did I miss something?” she was like “Ahh” but she hadn’t seen her- then I pointed her out and she kinda gawped too, but not nearly as much as I had been. throughout dinner I kept going back to that moment and staring dreamily into space- Ashley noticed and thought I was thinking about Matt Ives (ew. when I saw him there at prom I mentally hurled- I did not need him to be there that day) and when I said I wasn’t she kept asking me who I was thinking about. of course I didn’t tell her- I mean she KNOWS but she really doesn’t want to hear that sort of stuff. and then afterward I babbled to Zara for about an incoherent thirty seconds, got embarrassed because the tables had turned and now I was the one who had very weak command on the English language, and apologized for the incoherent babblage (to which she was like “Yeah. You are.” rather ungraciously) and sat down. the rest of the dance was crap. I didn’t see her until the end. I kept thinking one glimpse of her would remedy the fact that all of my friends were sitting around on top of each other at the tables and being all mushy and gross instead of dancing, and the lights were all on and Sancomb was omnipresent, and Matt was there and kept looking at me (again: ew. gross. and he was probably thinking “oh look it’s that dykey loser” which didn’t help my mood either) and that little blond bitch from dance was there too, and the whole prom had very bad timing and such, and most of our class is losers and the music was reallyreallybad. but I did see her again at the end, and it didn’t remedy hardly any of it, probably because I had been expecting it to, probably because I was so P.O.ed that nothing could improve my mood, or maybe a combo of both plus general tiredness. the only really good things about prom were a) her, b) for one in my life feeling like I looked good, c) the dj playing “You Shook Me All Night Long” and everybody knowing the song, and d) POB wasn’t there, because I would not have been able to take Matt and POB all in one dance on top of everything else. I can’t believe I was stupid enough sophomore year to think Matt was pretty. well I suppose he is but- the grossness of what’s inside just shines through. actually it was rather funny- they played Sandstorm and Jack and I had made plans to face off during Sandstorm (my matchless skill and beautiful regulation-size glowsticks against his pathetic disposable things and silly childish moves) and I was so intent on not missing a second of it that I pushed someone bodily out of the way saying “Get the fuck out of my way” and then realized it was Matt and that I’d done that before, sophomore year- intentionally. hahahahahaaa yeah I was an idiot shut up.
She's the reason I didn't get any sleep at all Friday night and sort of had a fever for most of Saturday. I wonder if the knows she can have this effect on people. she seems not to realize just how amazing and awesome she is. I've looked at a lot of her entries and she seems to think of herself as a pretty much normal, if rather nerdy, kid. There's so much she doesn't know. what is this obsession? is it a crush like everything else? except it's pretty much gone on for about three years but I just didn't really acknowledge it- in fact the only time I was aware of it was when she was around, like when we randomly saw her in Best Buy buying herself a camera for her birthday while my sister was getting hers. and my sister had been on the Italy trip with her and they were just chatting about it and I wanted to claw my sister's eyes out. very Fountainheadesque I realize- but then again Ayn Rand did know what the hell she was talking about for that at least. or when her name came up in conversation. yeah. I didn't even know her name for a longlongtime- my sister mentioned her at some point sophomore year and I asked "Oh you mean that really pretty freshmyn girl?" or something (and then kicked myself for using an inadequate word like "pretty") and my sister was all like "She's okay..."
yeah. that's my crazed emotional story. ps she is NEVER to see this. so nobody send this to her please. or this will just confirm what she thinks- that I'm a freakish stalker.